A Final Update

Things are still absolutely superb with my new job. While the occassional annoying issue still surfaces here and there, it's nothing like my previous position.

And another bit of good news - I'm starting grad school! I'll begin my studies in the fall...fully funded by my employer. Yeah!

With everything I have on my plate - and the lack of happenings to bitch about - I really don't have a need for this blog anymore. A big thanks to those who read this over the past year...and an even bigger thanks to those who left their comments as well.

Take care!

Wow - I guess its been a while!

Not sure whether anyone is still visiting my blog anymore...but in case you do...finally, a new post!

There's definitely a renewed outlook that comes with obtaining a truly rewarding job.

When I started this blog, its purpose was to provide me with an outlet through which to vent my work-related frustrations. Although I tend to vent to my friends and loved ones as well, I know that they aren't interested in all of my nit-picky rants...so in comes the blog!

Despite how I may have made it sound in some stories, I liked my last position. I didn't love it. But it was interesting and I generally liked it.

In contrast, I can honestly say that I now LOVE my new position. And while my co-workers aren't perfect, the fact that I love what I do makes those imperfections seem much more tolerable. Hence the sudden decrease in posts.

Of course, nice summer weather also plays a role in luring one away from the computer...so I would imagine that I'll be more apt to sit at my desk to compose an occasional story once the weather turns unpleasant. I'm not much of a winter athlete.

So what's the purpose of this particular post? I'm not really sure. I guess just to touch base and announce that there actually is more to come....just in case there is anyone left who reads this and may have been wondering.

Customer Service @ Circuit City

Because I've managed customer service functions, I've come to expect high quality customer service from other businesses. As a result, poor customer service is a major pet peeve of mine.

I'll be traveling and attending out-of-the-office meetings more often in my new position, so I am now in need of a laptop. To my surprise, I was given:

• A list of specs the laptop must have
• A wad of cash to make a purchase (or actually, the company credit card number and a budget)
• The freedom to go buy the thing myself

This came as a surprise. In my previous position, our IT department took care of purchasing computers and laptops as needed...I had no influence over what was purchased. Now I'm being told that since this will be my computer, they want me to pick out something I like.

No objections here!

I started out by shopping online. In fact, I was on the verge of making my purchase from Dell, when I decided to visit a couple of retailers to check out their stock first.

I started with Best Buy and an office store. Associates at both places were quick to offer me assistance and talk me through the features. The fact that I was in the market for something more "high-end" seemed to stimulate their zeal.

Then I went to Circuit City. Not only did I need to track down someone to help me after spending quite a bit of time browsing, but it almost seemed as though I was inconveniencing the sales person who got stuck tending to me. To top things off, the guy eventually had to take a phone call and then never came back!

Fortunately, I had gathered enough information to make a decision.

Unfortunately, it appeared that my best bet was going to be a computer I had found at their store...although I carefully considered buying elsewhere out of spite.

After deciding to make the purchase, I had a hell of a time tracking someone down. At one point, a manager walked by...he didn't acknowledge me...but I flagged him down to let him know that I was ready to buy. And even then, it still took a while for a store employee to make their way over to me. Come on, I was making a sizeable purchase...the quality of service should have reflected that. But, it didn't.

Coincidentally, the same manager I encountered earlier happened to be around when I was checking out. Sensing my dissatisfaction (and probably noticing the total on the sale), he made a puny attempt to rectify the situation with flattery.

"Hey, thanks for being so patient earlier ma'am."

I responded with a confused and somewhat sarcastic look.

In retrospect, I now wish I would have said something witty in response. Perhaps something about my patience being long gone...or whatever. In fact, while typing this entry, I considered changing that part of the story to make myself sound more heroic. But I decided against it.

The point of this story: Customer service at Circuit City sucks.

I Guess I'm "IT"

If you check out the comments for my last post, you’ll see that I’ve been “tagged” by Old Lady. At first, I didn’t have a clue what that was supposed to mean. But then I read her 9/6 post. And then I read the 9/4 post of A Cup of Coffey, who tagged her.

So in keeping the game rolling, I have tagged Ms. Pink Slip, Famous Potatoes, and Nick.

And below are the lists that I assume I am supposed to include, based on those other two tagged posts I read.

Three people who make me laugh:

1. My boyfriend of 7 years
2. My social worker friend I met in college
3. Ray, from Everybody Loves Raymond

Three things I can do:

1. Say “thank you” in 10 languages
2. Belly dance (sort of)
3. Bitch about work

Three things I can’t do:

1. Cook
2. Rollerblade
3. See in the dark

Three things I’m doing right now:

1. Typing this
2. Wondering when my boyfriend will be home
3. Drinking Pepsi

Three things I want to do before I die:

1. Visit each continent (even Antarctica)
2. Get my Ph.D. (this will still be a while yet)
3. Skydive

Three things I hate the most:

1. Bananas
2. Animal cruelty (I’m with you on this, Old Lady)
3. Crime

Three things that scare me:

1. Driving in treacherous weather
2. The potential rise of war and terrorism
3. Bees

Three things I don’t understand:

1. Quantum physics
2. Cruelty
3. Not recycling

Three skills I’d like to learn:

1. Spanish fluency
2. How to play drums
3. How to play tennis well

Three ways to describe my personality:

1. Persistent
2. Creative
3. Curious

Three things I think you should listen to:

1. Daily news
2. Logic
3. The views of others

Things you should never listen to:

1. Infomercials selling products that claim to make you rich
2. Ann Coulter books
3. Meatloaf (no offense intended for those who are fans)

Three favorite foods:

1. Ice cream
2. Quesadillas
3. Cereal

Three beverages I drink regularly:

1. Water
2. Pepsi
3. Juice

Three shows I watched as a kid:

1. Smurfs
2. Today’s Special
3. Tom & Jerry

Blogs I’ve passed this on to (as mentioned above):

1. Ms. Pink Slip
2. Famous Potatoes
3. Nick

Whew! If you managed to read all the way through this to the bottom, good for you...and thanks for hanging in there. This was a long one!

Is This a Dis?

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have accepted a new position within the company. I've been working in this position for a few weeks now.

While I generally got along well with everyone on my previous staff, there was one supervisor in particular, Julie, with whom I had an especially good working relationship. We worked together productively, we were able to discuss issues candidly, and we seemed to connect well on a personal level. After difficult conversations, she would occasionally comment on how thankful she was to have a manager she could trust and be honest with. I genuinely believed that the feeling was mutual.

Of everyone in my group, she seemed to be the most upset about my changing positions. Shortly after the big announcement was made, she was quick to compliment me as a mentor and express her concern over what changes might take place after I leave.

Despite all this, it now seems that she is glad to have me out of her hair.

1. The day after I announced my departure, a couple folks within my group organized a going away bash for me at a local pub. Nearly everyone within my department was there...except for Julie...even though she had told everyone she planned to go.

2. Julie's birthday was a few days after I officially transferred. I stopped by the department twice that day to wish her a happy birthday, but she wasn't at her desk either time. Toward the end of the day, I left her card on her desk with a note. I never heard from her.

3. Nearly all of my former direct reports have stopped down at my new desk at some point to briefly say hi and see how things are going. I have not seen Julie.

4. Based on comments made in conversations with co-workers, I know for a fact that Julie has been at work every day.

Quite frankly, this really isn't a big deal. While I always felt we worked well together, we were never friends outside of work. It just strikes me as a bit odd. But perhaps I'm reading too much into the whole thing.

Inspired to Talk About Teamwork

I've stolen this teamwork graphic from Ms. Pink Slip's blog, which is a blog I like to visit not only because of its entertainment value, but also because unfortunately, I can generally relate to it.

At any rate, the tagline reminded me of a ridiculous rule at my company that I will never understand.

Every quarter, each department is required to set goals. A few guidelines for these goals are as follows:

• Must be able to accomplish the goal within the upcoming quarter.
• At least one goal must be a "great goal" with significant financial benefit.
• Goals should involve efforts from the entire department.
• Departments cannot share the credit for their goals with other departments.

Allow me to elaborate on the last item. Despite the fact that most goals of real significance (i.e. the "great goal") will require some collaboration with other departments, only one department (generally the one that thought up the goal idea) is allowed to take credit.

General interpretation: Quality teamwork is discouraged.

So here's what tends to happen...
The 20ish departments each have their own unique "great goal," most of which require the cooperation of other departments in order to be accomplished. As a result, there is an unnecessarily high level of constant change and confusion due to employees trying to implement so many different goals...both for their own department and others. Total lack of focus.

Furthermore, since a manager is only held accountable for the completion of their own goal (and their efforts for the others to which they contribute aren't officially recognized), they'll often put the work their doing for other departments' goals further down on the priority list. And since everyone is doing that to everybody, all departments struggle to get their goals accomplished on time. Not to mention the fact that this entire situation prevents most managers from suggesting a goal of any real magnitude.

Imagine if managers were encouraged to sit down together to define quarterly goals as a larger group. The end result would be more efficient implementation, greater outcomes, and probably goals of more significance to the company as a whole.

On a positive note...I've heard that this "no goal sharing" rule might be abolished for next quarter. I guess enough of us have finally spoken up and presented our points.

Nothing to Complain About

The purpose of starting this blog a few months ago was to provide me with an outlet to rant about work. Something therapeutic I should have started doing a long time ago.

Since changing positions, I haven't been inspired to post anything.

Not only do I LOVE my new position, but I also get along wonderfully with my new work group. Instead of coming home with stories of the unbelievably annoying things that happened throughout the day, I come home with positive reports about a stimulating project or a congenial colleague.

But while I may be experiencing a dry spell, this certainly isn't the end of this blog. I'm sure I've now jinxed everything with this post, meaning that it's just a matter of time before the inspiration is rekindled.

In the meantime, I'll just take in the moment.

Assumptions...I Was Wrong!

I was recently offered a new position within the company, which I have chosen to accept. It's an exciting opportunity that will make better use of my educational background and talents. And another plus - I will be responsible for a MUCH smaller staff.

In my current position, I'm responsible for multiple departments, supervisors, and their staffs. As a result, I pass the majority of my day tending to their needs and putting out fires...very little time spent on otherwise stimulating projects.

Before I can make the big move, my position needs to be filled. It's been determined that none of the supervisors under me have the management experience necessary, so our HR department would like to see someone from another area of management move into my role.

At our HR manager's request, I prepared a short presentation on what I do...which I was to present to a group of managers that she had rounded up. I assumed (and yes, I understand the dangers of assumption) that these managers knew why they were at this meeting and were, in fact, interested in my position. Only after I finished my presentation and worked my way through an awkward Q & A, dominated mainly by blank stares, did I realize that these managers had not been told prior to the meeting why they had been asked to come.

After I finished my talk, our HR manager stepped in and offered more explanation as to why they, specifically, had been chosen to attend. Instead of the interest and energy that I hoped this opportunity would generate (again, a hope that was based on the assumption that these people were interested in the job), there was an overwhelming sense of distress. While I don't think our HR manager intended it, the interpretation by most was that if someone from the group didn't step forward to fill the position, someone would basically be plucked.

Well, this should be interesting.

What About the Roundabout???

So a few weeks ago, the city finished building a roundabout in town...the only one in the area. It's in a section of the city that I don't frequent, so I didn't actually try it out until just the other day. Quite frankly, I wasn't expecting that my first run on it would be anything eventful; hence, I'd had no motivation to make a special trip to test it out.

To my amazement, this enigmatic roundabout has been the topic of many conversations at work. For some reason, the bulk of my co-workers can't seem to wrap their minds around exactly how this fangled thing is supposed to work. I've heard a variety of tales about bewilderment and potentially fatal accidents that could have taken place on this dangerous circle of death.

In listening to their stories, I can't help but wonder whether this roundabout really resembles an intricate maze just off of the city's main drag, or whether my co-workers are simply that stupid. By the end of each conversation, I always come to the same conclusion.

The other day, I had errands to run on the other side of town...and one of my stops was just off of the roundabout. That required me to drive on the roundabout TWICE that day. The experience was just as I expected...no confusion...no cars pulled out when they shouldn't have...no puzzled drivers going in the wrong direction...no fatal collisions...no fender benders even. Overall...dull.

Just as I suspected.

Is This A True Story - The Belated FINAL Update

So about the employee, to whom I have now dedicated four posts in this blog...fired.

After that "final warning" described in a previous post, she proceeded to leave work because of a migrane and take a personal day.

Although she didn't erupt in tears during those final moments with me in our HR manager's office, she actually seemed a bit surprised to hear the words, "...so we are terminating your employment."

As she walked out, she reassured me that she'd be OK, because she was in the process of moving to another city anyway.

OK...

Too Much Reassurance

I'm responsible for a few departments, one of which is a segment of our sales force. The nature of the product line for which my team is responsible causes sales to decrease in June and July. This happens every year. As long as the decrease is in line with past trends, it is not a concern. We simply take advantage of the slower period to catch up on other projects.

Earlier this year, my direct manager left and her position was filled by another manager within the company. I get the impression that she is FREAKING OUT about things slowing down. Interestingly, she acts as though she is trying to prevent me from freaking out...when I know damn well that there's no need to worry.

Every day, she meets with me for a few minutes to ask about sales activity. After I provide her with an objective summary, she goes into a long pep talk about how it's perfectly normal for sales to be slipping right now. She explains that based on the projections she's seen, we should recover in August. She emphasizes several times during her talk that the current slip is only temporary.

It also seems to be very important to her that I pass her words of optimism on to the team. As she's explained, we don't want anyone to feel insecure about their jobs and leave because of this difficult time. Is she serious??? Many of the sales reps have been in their positions longer than I've been in mine; and therefore, are well aware of this annual pattern. Our newer folks have also been warned of this. It's never prompted turnover.

Of course, I've explained this to her several times. I've said everything that I can think of to reassure her that (a) I fully understand what is currently going on with sales and that they will increase in August, and that (b) our sales team does as well.

My response here doesn't seem to matter much. We go through the same pep talk daily.

Now, when passing her in the halls at work, she's started making comments to me like "thanks for your efforts today," or "I really appreciate what you do over in the East wing," or "keep that team fired up!"

Help me...

Is This a True Story - FINAL UPDATE (I hope)

She did show up to work on Monday.

Her story? This time she was in the hospital. According to the story, she was admitted on Thursday night and wasn't released until Sunday night. She didn't say what she was in for...which is surprising considering the amount of drama, suspense, and detail infused into her other tales.

And I would've liked to have taken the route that Ms. Pink Slip suggested and simply get rid of this problem once and for all. But the HR department wouldn't let me.

Instead, I issued a "final warning." One more No Call No Show (ever) and she's out. Anymore unexcused absences otherwise - for any reason in the next 30 days - may result in termination. Ability to request time off is limited. Arrangements to make up time missed must be made for any time off.

I'll keep you posted.

Is This A True Story - PART 2

So to provide an update from the previous post...

In good faith, I opted to simply give a warning for the wave of absences that had occurred. Naturally, the employee ensured me that she would be at work, as scheduled, going forward.

Now, just last week...

- Car accident - She got into a major car accident on Monday night, causing her to miss work Tuesday for a variety of appointments.

- Eviction - She has been evicted from her dwelling. She said that the reason for the eviction is because her boyfriend is black (the employee is white)...and supposedly, her landlord came out and stated this over the phone. Interestingly, the employee claims that she recorded the phone call, so she is looking into the possibility of pressing charges against the landlord. Who records their phone calls at home??? Predictably, this caused her to miss work Thursday afternoon so she could get her shit together.

- No call, no show - She didn't show up to work on Friday and didn't bother to call. Am I to assume that she got arrested again?

Action plan...
1. If she comes to work on Monday, I'll give her a FINAL warning. Any future occurrence (regardless of circumstances) will lead to termination.
2. If she doesn't show up on Monday, she's canned.

And so the plot thickens.

Is This A True Story?

I have an employee who was just hired a few months ago. One thing I distinctly remember from her interview is how she went on and on about how reliable she is (in terms of attendance). She went as far as to say that calling in sick at her last job was not an option...she always had to be there no matter what. And therefore, she was there every day.

Last week, she didn't show up to work and didn't call in. When she got a hold of me the next day, this was her story...

She was arrested. She was pulled over on her way to work for no apparent reason. At one point, the officer asked her to get out of the car. Apparently, she didn't do so fast enough, because he pulled her out by her hair and slammed her on to the cop car. She says she has bruises all over her body from this.

She claims she got hauled off to jail (and had to spend the night there) for drug possession...despite the fact that no drugs were found when the cop searched her car.

The next day in court, the judge ruled in her favor. She also added that, "the judge looked right at the cop who was involved, pointed at him, and said 'you're a retard.'"

Right.

Now she's consulting an attorney to determine whether she should sue the cop for his actions.

Fact? Fiction?

To give a bit more background, below is a list of the other reasons she has called in:

• Flu
• Daughter in hospital
• Abnormal pap results
  
• Anxiety attack
• Miscarriage
  
• Car accident

Dramatic life? Maybe. Good story teller? Perhaps. I'm honestly not sure.

Jumping the Gun Here!

So our company recently decided to roll out a new product line. It popped up very spur of the moment and its deadlines have been tight. About a dozen of us on the management team have been working our asses off to make this a reality.

Here's the short-term timeline we were working with:
5/11 - Product goes live
5/5 - Marketing efforts for the product begin
5/4 - I introduce my team to the product - training all day
5/3 - Summary meeting to confirm all details & finalize all arrangements
4/26 - Meeting to discuss final details that need to be completed over the next week & delegate who will tend to each of these details

Over the course of the past week that we've been working toward this, many questions and inconsistencies have been brought up. It was agreed that 5/3 would be the day to really pound this all out. As a result, some portions have been put on hold until this meeting.

What's happened in reality:
5/4 Morning - Beta version of the product will be released to consumers (note: my team, an integral part of it's success, will not yet be trained due to a lack of resources to enable moving training to an earlier time)
5/3 Afternoon - Summary meeting to confirm all details...details that should have been confirmed before rolling out marketing efforts
5/2 Around 5:00 - Marketing efforts for beta version of new product begin
5/2 Around 4:40 - Management team freaks out because there are necessary elements that are not complete. Any consumer who decides to purchase right away will run into problems.
5/2 Around 4:30 - Email is sent to management team announcing that marketing efforts for beta version of new product will begin in half an hour. On a side note, majority of management team had no idea that there was a beta version...let alone that said beta would be released before all details were finalized in next day's meeting.

There are two guys on the management team who are responsible for leading the implementation of this product line. Now surely, they had to have known for longer than 30 minutes that they were going to release a beta version. Perhaps if the remaining ten of us would have been enlightened as well, we could ensure that the product is fully functional for those impulse buyers who decide to make a purchase right away.

Arg.

He Sat In A Wet Seat!

This post takes a personal spin...but I really felt I had to share this ridiculous story!

I went to visit a friend from college last weekend, and we decided to go bar hopping. A few drinks into the night, we found ourselves at this trendy bar called HiJinx.

The two of us are standing near a side wall, just talking, when this guy comes over and stands with us. What's weird about it is that he stood there for a couple of minutes and said nothing while the two of us continued our conversation...occasionally shooting confused glances in his direction.

After a few minutes of this, my friend, Nicole, said, "Hi. Why are you here?"

Random Guy replied, "I just wanted to meet you two lovely ladies."

Nicole said, "Okay then, you have two options. Either stop being so creepy and introduce yourself...or leave. I suggest the latter."

Random Guy then proceeded to introduce himself and ask us a few questions about ourselves. The conversation was going nowhere...not to mention the fact that neither of us are actually on the market anyway...and that we haven't seen one another in ages, leaving much catching up to be done...so I made a lame comment about needing to use the bathroom so the two of us could sneak away.

After a few minutes of hiding out in the restroom, my friend and I scurried across the bar and grabbed a booth. One side was dripping with spilled beer, so we sat together on the opposite side and picked up our conversation where we left off before Random Guy had appeared.

A few minutes later...he found us.

He started to slide into the seat across the booth, until he noticed that the seat was soaked. He then came over to our side and tried to squeeze in. I said, "Sorry. There's really not room over here."

Random Guy said, "C'mon. You wouldn't ask me to sit in this, would you?" as he gestured to the soaked seat.

Nicole said, "No. We're not asking you to sit at all." Then the two of us went back to our conversation.

So after a series of mini-events that should have indicated that he wasn't getting anywhere with us...he actually sat in the beer-soaked seat! He was cringing as he did so.

My friend and I giggled a bit, but continued to make no effort to include him. Eventually the poor guy got up and walked away...ass completely soaked.

Dumbass.

Top 10 Actions To Prevent Yourself From Getting Promoted

1. Constantly point out how productive you are and question why so-and-so isn't doing as much as you.

2. Seek out ways to attract the attention of your boss...asking unnecessary questions, sparking small talk several times a day, making jokes about laziness, etc.

3. Make comments like, "I'm glad I don't have to worry about that!" upon noticing a challenging task your boss is tackling.

4. Insist that you take your break exactly at your scheduled time each day with no flexibility for the day's events. When asked to adjust your schedule, pout.

5. Tell your supervisor daily how well you think she's doing and how well she handles everything. Word of wisdom...kissing up has to be subtle to have the desired effect.

6. Go out of your way to avoid face-to-face communication with the person responsible for deciding whether to promote you. Instead, go out of your way to communicate about all issues via email only.

7. Refer to the higher position as being "easy" and claim that you already know most of what you'd need to learn already.

8. Assume that you're the top candidate simply because nothing explicitly negative came up in the interview for the promotion. And, more importantly, start a rumor that you're going to be offered the promotion.

9. Demonstrate your comfort with showing authority by bossing around co-workers and looking for mistakes in their work. Suddenly become the office tattle-tale.

10. Offer to get a head start on the promotion's responsibilities or to assist in some of your boss' projects...even though you haven't gotten the promotion yet.

As you can guess, there is a promotion available where I work...and I'm one of the key decision-makers involved. We have many internal applicants. There are two applicants in particular who display nearly all the above traits between the two of them. One even caught me in the restroom the other day over the lunch hour, and she immediately launched into an explanation of how she "just like" realized last night how "like" great she'd be for the position.

Help!

She Has No Inner Monologue

As I mentioned in a previous post, we've been doing some remodeling in our building. I'm back in my usual spot; however, I've had a couple of visitors stationed near me while their area is worked on.

My most recent visitor was Michelle. A former co-worker, who also became a good friend of mine, used to share her cube with Michelle...and she was constantly going on and on and on and on and on about how annoying she was. I've never worked closely with Michelle, but I have worked with her somewhat on projects. I've always really liked her...she's very energetic and fun.

But now I know what my friend meant. Michelle, apparently, has no inner-monologue. Every few minutes, she makes a comment out loud about something she's just read or is working on. And it's not one of those rhetorical comments that you can acknowledge with a chuckle or a grunt and move on.

After making a comment, she'll glance around her monitor and stare at you until you make a comment in response. And if it's a thoughtless "uh-huh" type comment, she'll keep staring at you as though she's looking for more.

You can't simply ignore it either. If you act like you didn't hear the comment, she says it again. And with more emphasis.

And she does it SO often! Throughout the day...literally, several times an hour.

How my friend was able to get anything done, and maintain her sanity, is beyond me.

An "Inspirational" Leadership Quote...About Sperm?

I recently attended a leadership conference.

One of the last sessions of the conference was intended to be an uplifting "rah-rah" fest to get everyone excited. To inspire us to be charismatic leaders, we were each given a small card with about a dozen quotes that we could keep in our wallets and refer back to when we need a little encouragement.

The second quote on the card reads:
Think of sperm swimming upstream. For all but one of them it's going to be a very bad day.
~Howard Anderson

What?

Interviewing Faux Pas

I do a lot of hiring and interviewing in my job. The jobs are entry level, but in a professional setting. This is my WTF list.

1. Wearing tennis shoes and sweat pants.

2. Leaving the tags on a new business suit - oops!

3. Telling me that the position I'm hiring for sounds really easy.

4. Before interview actually begins, asking, "How much vacation time do you offer?"

5. Saying, "I've never needed to be organized in my other positions, but I'm sure I would manage."

6. Adding, "Yep. It's true," or, "uh-huh, that really happened," after almost every answer.

7. Asking how you're doing every five minutes.

8. Expressing obvious annoyance in a voicemail message left for me at the fact that I didn't call with an update on our hiring status by the end of the week.

9. Emailing me every two days to ask whether we've made a hiring decision...despite the fact that I've already said that it would be at least a week. I need to stop handing out my business card!

10. Inquiring about how old I am (I look much younger than I am...great for the social life, challenging for the career).

This is just off the top of my head. I'm sure I'll think of others as I try to sleep tonight.

Have You Seen That H&R Block Commercial...

Have you seen that H&R Block commercial that focuses on the fact that if they make any mistakes when completing your taxes, they'll cover any fines that may be assessed as a result?

What the f*ck kind of commercial is that? If I hire someone to do a service that important and they screw it up, I would EXPECT that they would take responsibility for the error. How in the hell does this actually qualify as a "selling point" for the company? Should this really be viewed as a perk?

Talk about grasping at straws for some semblance of a competitive edge.

If you can't tell, that commercial annoys the hell out of me every time I see it.

And did you hear that they actually miscalculated their annual earnings that they had reported earlier in the year? They had to go back, recalculate, and announce a new figure. That's embarrassing...particularly for a company of their industry.

Maybe that's what inspired the idea for the commercial.

Nearly Lost the Company Mobile

I was sent to a conference after being with the company for just a month (that's about three years ago now). It was an exciting opportunity - place I've never been, all expenses paid, time away from office without using vacation, upscale hotel I'd never normally stay in, cocktail hour each evening with all the free alcohol I can handle - what's not to be excited about???

It didn't start on a high note.

Plan: Drive one hour to airport. Get on plane and fly to Chicago. Transfer flights; get on another plane to Indianapolis. Get on shuttle to travel to upscale hotel an hour or so away from airport. Arrive at upscale hotel same day. Take the evening to lounge & enjoy the luxury.

Actual Events: Drive one hour to airport. Flight delayed...wait a few hours and then get on plane and fly to Chicago. Miss transfer flight. Get assigned new flight. New flight cancelled. No more flights to Indianapolis that evening. Airline arranges for bus to take us to Indianapolis. Wait two more hours, then board bus. Arrive in Indianapolis late at night - no more shuttles available to final destination. Stay at Best Western. Next morning, catch 5:40am shuttle to destination. Hastily check in at upscale hotel and rush to Day 1 of conference.

And here's the kicker -

I had agreed to call my direct manager each afternoon to give an update on how the conference was going. After the first day of events, exhausted, I went to get the company cell phone I had been given...it was no where to be found.

Where would I have packed it? Then a memory came back to me...sleeping on the bus...feeling something bump my leg...faint tap on the floor just under me...fading back to sleep.

Shit! That was the cell phone! It must have slipped out of the tote bag on my lap!

Frantically, I started using my own phone card to make calls from the room - checking in with my manager as agreed upon, calling the airline, demanding they contact the bus company, insisting that they tell me when, specifically, I can expect them to follow up, asking for a manager, assigning blame of my loss to the airline since the flights had failed to work out.

That night, I laid in bed coming up with explanations I might offer when I return to the office...something that wouldn't make me seem too irresponsible. Maybe I could get away with claiming that I turned the phone in. When they ask why it wasn't "officially" checked in, I could feign ignorance of the proper procedure...after all, I was still new there. Yeah, that's it...and now someone else must be using it. All I know is that I put it back in it's proper place.

Would it fly?

Business Lunch Anxiety: I'm a Slob!

My greatest weakness as a business woman: dining etiquette.

The problem isn't that I don't know what's expected...it's more my inability to live up to those expectations. I splatter pasta sauce. I dribble when drinking. I drop crumbs when eating cookies. I'm not a complete disaster...but I don't exactly impress either.

So today I had lunch with one of our company's VPs. No warning, no time to plan. He walked over to my desk around 11:30 and asked me if I had time to go over some sales figures from our department.

I said, "Sure. I'm wide open today."

He said, "Great! Let's do it over lunch. Meet me in reception in 10 minutes."

What? Lunch? Just me and Don?

1. I tend to be on the shy side, and I don't know him very well. What in the world are we going to talk about on the way there? And for our pre-business chatter?
2. Where are we going to eat? What's the least sloppy item I could possibly order?
3. How much will I be looked down upon once my lack of grace is exposed?

Fortunately, the small talk portion of the experience went well. Don had recently returned from a business trip, so he had some interesting stories to share. Whew!

I managed to find something neat to order too...so things started out well. But then a mistake was made...

I had ordered a meal that was supposed to come with a side of fries. I know that for a fact, because I was asked whether I would like regular or criss-cross fries (I chose criss-cross). Don wasn't paying attention at the time. So here's the thing - the fries never came.

Initially, when the rest of the meal was brought over, I thought maybe the fries would come separately. I waited...waited...nope. So then I debated...

Do I ask for the fries?

- If I do, Don's going to wonder what the hell took me so long to bring it up. He was nearly done with his meal. I didn't want to hold us up with my need for fries.

- If I don't, and he notices, he'll think that I'm too chicken to speak up (OK, so maybe that's partially true, but that's not the image I want to convey to this guy!). That might lead him to question my abilities as a leader.

- If I don't, and he doesn't notice, he might notice that I didn't end up eating much for lunch. Then he'll assume that I'm on a diet just like all the other women in the office (which I'm not), and that I stay slim by eating like a bird (which isn't true either...I exercise a lot. So I'm toned, not scrawny. That's right.).

In the end, I didn't bring it up. I don't know whether Don noticed anything. Probably not. I probably shouldn't even think about it anymore...but I can't help it...

The Joke Was On Her...

One of the frontline supervisors who works under me recently had a frustrating situation.

He had an employee, Pam, who had been a star performer for a couple of years. She wasn't the most friendly or likeable person in the department...but damn, she was good at what she did.

A few months ago, he started noticing some odd behaviors in her. It started out small...punching in a few minutes late, casually abusing her internet privileges, using company email for personal use, taking long breaks, etc. Then it got more obvious: he caught her reading a magazine on the job, overheard her dissing him, sloppiness in daily work, etc.

Eventually the time came where he had to let her go. Fired.

Apparently, she was overjoyed. As she was being escorted out of the building, she told the personnel rep that she had been trying to get fired all along so she could take some time off of work and still get paid via unemployment.

Unfortunately for her, she must have soon found out that the joke ended up being on her. Unemployment only applies if someone is canned for poor performance, and she was great at her job. If you're fired for insubordination, then there's no unemployment benefit. Oops!

Her Comment: "It's Not Life or Death!"

I currently have an employee who is underperforming...to say the least.

In her defense, the job she has is mundane. She's the only one in her particular position. While I've considered changing the position to include more variety, the truth is that her skill limitations don't exactly allow for that. Nor has she shown much of an interest when I've posed the idea.

Lately, her productivity has started to fade...so it was time for a talk.

I called her into my office and started the discussion on a very open note, asking her how she felt things were going. She basically shrugged and said, "OK, I guess." I explained the issue at hand and asked her why it was happening. Was she dissatisfied with her job? Did she want a change at work? Was there something going on outside of work? Was she planning to leave? Is there anything I can do to support improvement? Her responses: No. No. No. No. No.

After a pause, I asked, "Well, given the situation at hand, what do you suggest I do?"

Her response: "I don't understand why you're making such a big deal of this. It's not like this is a life or death thing!"

OK...a few thoughts:

1. Life or death? Of course it's not literally life or death! When you're working in an entry-level, office position, what would actually be life or death? Nothing!

2. Why am I making a big deal of it? Maybe because she's starting to suck at the ONLY thing she has to do!!!

3. Does she really want to morph into that guy who eventually ends up working for free in the basement in Office Space?

Bah!

What Am I Supposed To Do? She replies in SECONDS!!!

A fellow manager, Margaret, runs a department that works closely with mine. As a result, we work together on many projects. We work together so closely, in fact, that when others have a question that pertains to one of our departments, they usually include both of us on the email.

Margaret is very outspoken, a classic extrovert. She thinks quickly, has strong opinions, and is consistently among the first to speak up on issues in meetings. She is also very on top of her email. In our office, when one receives an incoming email, a bubble pops up to alert you. Clicking on this bubble will take you directly to the new message in your inbox. Ignoring it will cause it to fade away within a second or two. Personally, I prefer to ignore it and glance through my email every 10-15 minutes. I've sat with Margaret at her desk when working on projects; she always clicks the bubble.

Over the months, Margaret has developed a routine. When an email is sent to both of us and the question at hand is something I should address, she will forward it my way with a message like "this one's yours" or "it's all you!" She literally sends it my way within a minute of us receiving the original message...before I've even had a chance to read it myself.

I've never asked her not to do this...mainly because I never really thought it was a big deal. Until today anyway, when she approached me.

Margaret told me, in a very serious tone, that she feels I need to step up more. She said that there is no need for me to hesitate in responding to these emails to see what she'll say...she wants me to be comfortable responding without being prompted.

WTF?!?!? In my mind, I'm thinking, "Are you kidding me?!!! How can I reply with an intelligent response before you forward it to me with your three-word message!?!"

Instead, I went with the mature response. "I think that most of the time, it's just a matter of you seeing the email before I do. I'm certainly more than willing to field questions related my area. Going forward, when an email comes through that pertains to me, don't worry about forwarding it my way as well. I'll just plan on responding to it."

Ugh!

The Boss Is On His Way Out!

A couple weeks ago, my direct manager announced that after several years of service, he would be leaving the company to work on independent consulting projects. Phillip has given us about three months notice, so we have plenty of time to get our act together.

Naturally, he is gradually being phased out of projects he once contributed to and some of his more central responsibilities are being moved to others. This means he suddenly has more free time. In his desire to be a strong "team player" until the end, he has offered to help his management staff (me included) with a variety of tasks. While his intentions are good, I cannot help but cringe every time he approaches me with a potential project he could help me with.

Phillip's interest started out with spreadsheets. As if I don't already have enough spreadsheets to maintain every day, he wanted to run reports from our database in order to create more! Not only is this a nightmare idea for the obvious reason I've just explained, but the idea makes me crazy for many other reasons as well.

First of all, it should be known up front that I am somewhat of a perfectionist. When I put a document together, I'm not only concerned about its content, but I obsess over appearance as well. Desperate to infuse some creativity, I spend time finding just the right balance of basic professionalism with a hint of unique style. Phillip, on the other hand, brings out his creative side by making his reports as flashy as they can possibly be. In the context of an Excel spreadsheet, that usually means large text, varied fonts, and many bright colors. Given his lack of understanding of some of the nuances of Excel, the result also tends to involve inconsistent formatting, cells out of alignment, and information that is simply difficult to follow.

A second reason I'm opposed to him working on anything that I'm going to have to maintain going forward is his lack of basic mathematical understanding. I've always found it ironic that someone with poor math skills could get so far in a business, but apparently his charismatic presence makes up for it. The thought of him putting together countless spreadsheets with complex mathematical formulas to calculate cost and projected revenue brings on a surge of anxiety. After all, once he's gone, guess who's going to be held accountable for their accuracy!

The final reason I've continued to talk him out of his various spreadsheet ideas is because there simply isn't a need for the sheets he's proposing. Even if he were an Excel whiz, it still wouldn't be necessary to spend time plugging countless figures into a spreadsheet that can easily be accessed from our mainframe program with just a few mouse clicks. Now, I realize that some data is worth tracking in an alternate form for the sake of being able to compare it to other data or to simply look for trends. But trust me...with the data he is proposing, it really isn't necessary.

Please tell me that this won't go on for the NEXT THREE MONTHS!